Continuously Underdeveloped

My comeback to college had led me to a little soul searching. I always question the importance of what I do, or compelled to do in order for me to cope. The things I try to avoid to discuss before are now the most fascinating topics for me. Is this what it means to grow up?

We have classes that involved us to be more knowledgeable about the world and what's currently happening to it--something I could care less about then. The reason why I don't like discussing about government and local issues is that I've already given up hoping for anything to change. It's probably because that's how I was raised.

While growing up, my parents had this plan for me, especially my father. He wanted me to walk in his footsteps and be successful in the same career he's in. I understood that they only wanted what was best for me, and later I found out that the reason why parents plan like that for their children is because they were raised knowing that the same formula could lead to a successful career. But as I continued to study I began to question, was there only one formula?

I wondered why some people instantly become successful without getting the same academic achievements or even get a job that pays enough to support a whole family. Then I came to another question: what were my parents' definition of success? Back then I thought it was about getting a high paying job, and being the boss of many people. It was about working hard to get promoted, and it was all about money. But after actually experiencing what it's like to be employed I wondered was it really just about those things? I wasn't happy, because I feel like I was settling for a narrow path that doesn't have much scenery. It felt like walking into trap, and all I see was success and gloom.

I observed my supervisors, and I wondered how their lives were. I read about rich people and tried to imagine their views about being them. I compared both, then I thought about my parents' formula again. I began to think: There's got to be more than this. I don't want my life to be just about money. I want to do something more.

It was then I began feeding my mind with information. I felt like I was on this mission that could lead to a big change--so big that I don't even know how much. I began to dream big--bigger than I was capable of accomplishing. I wanted to build a new Philippines; one with people who strives to evolve and break boundaries. I don't want to become a president, I wanted to build the foundation that would lead to innovations. The Filipino mind possesses a kind genius that is continuously suppressed by the country's uncontrollable conditions. But if such genius were molded properly, the possibilities for new technology are endless.

Filipinos have this great skill to endure almost any kind of hardships, because we were raised to be like that. Our main mindset in dealing with struggle is to think that eventually it will get better, and that hardships are only temporary. This kind of thinking led us to create another kind of intelligence, one that isn't favored by human laws, but exhibits a great form of resourcefulness. We developed a different kind of street smarts. 

The problem with it is that, it's used as a form of rebellion against society, because most of us weren't really properly equipped with the right knowledge for a more productive growth and we mostly rely on our childhood mentors--our parents and our people. Sometimes these mentors don't actually exhibit the best examples, and they cannot be blamed because their knowledge was derived from their own teachers. So basically, most Filipinos are stuck to settle with what they have, make the most of it, and hope that things will eventually get better.

There are so much potential in Filipinos that are left untapped. The best way to develop that potential is to invest in them. Filipinos should stop being a follower of other countries and start adapting a leader mindset, but without guidance they will not even see the promise that mindset holds. If no one would dare to invest in our own people, our country would continuously be underdeveloped.

Holiday Sale Is Where My Heart Is

I thank my college for starting the Christmas Tree Lighting celebration because night classes are cancelled tonight. Yay! It actually gave me time to finally go out, do some window shopping, pay the bills and buy groceries. We only have a few weeks left before the rumored end-of-the-world year 2012, and you could smell the bargains rising.

I made a very wise budgeting decision this month and it gave us much allowance for extra expenses. Today, our super mall are having a BOGO meat sale and since my brother loves meat, we didn't pass up the opportunity. Now we have 4 kilos of beef and pork that can last us until the end of the month. Plus the extra food money I saved up went to treats we definitely need at home.

It's true that as long as you don't think that you'll run out of money it will never happen. I still got some saved up in the bank. While I was there I also took time to browse around shops that could possibly sell our new products. I'm still trying to decide on what approach we need to do to market them and I'm still doing the math on how much we really need to get the business up and running. Are opportunities in the Philippines not that very similar in the US? I was thinking of asking for some help but I still have no clue who to approach.

But anyway, even if me and my brother was just hanging out at the mall, it was still fun because of the sale! I'm not a shopaholic but I love bargains. A kind of funny story happened though when my brother was looking for lemon flavored iced tea and he couldn't find it. He was freaking out and it turns out the teas were just stacked a little further to the right on the shelf.

We thought about putting together a new computer, I just need to save up more. And we're also getting a new printer, which I hope will be delivered tomorrow. It's free anyway. I'm calculating the amount of cash I can generate with it as of the moment. I feel like I'm obsessed with the game of making money work. But I had a great day. I sure wish it will still be great tomorrow.

The Things I Do For Love

I'm at it again and I think I'll never stop. Before I left for class, I was reading several articles on Entrepreneur.com, trying to find inspiration that could lead me to another light bulb. I had come up with some vague ideas but they weren't enough for me to realize anything solid. I arrived at school early and without second thoughts, I went to the library to check out the latest issue of AdEdge. I encountered a problem with the librarian, which I'm not gonna get into, but the latest issue just had the information I needed that greatly represents a small piece of the puzzle I've been solving for a couple of months now.

With simple light reading, I could feel my blood bubble underneath my skin. I was excited, and hungry for more. It led me to think that whatever I was doing in college is a great waste of time, though this was one opportunity I don't have the right to turn down. I tried to recall any entrepreneurs or successful people that finished college or suggested it but I can't recall one. Either I'm not reading enough books or it's just a mere fact that college can't help me become a successful entrepreneur, but it can make me a manager of some department in a company.

On my first class, my professor didn't meet up with us so I spent the hour educating my friend about what I've searched up and brainstorm some ideas. I'm not sure if it produced any good results, but I needed to bounce off my thoughts to someone to actually see it sometimes. During my second class, my mind was split into three tasks: memorizing notes for my test, listening to my professor, and coming up with an idea from the current lecture. Of course, all of it ended being half-done and I somewhat found myself arguing with a student from the same class who seriously lacks imagination and understanding. I also think that my college had created a new form of discrimination against students who speaks English. It's like they categorized us as a separate class from everyone else. It's not a crime that we know another language. Jealousy is ugly.

Anyway, with all the thinking I've been doing, my brain was dead by the end of the day, and I decided to just drench my mind with the information I've gathered about Filipino inventors. I secretly wished that I would be able to invent a new type of technology that the world could use to improve people's lives. I'm getting there... I think.

Researching, writing, brainstorming and creating plans, I don't think I'll ever get tired of doing any of it. I even came to the point that I loved doing what I do so much that I never wanted to fall asleep. Sometimes it scares me that my desires would turn me into someone I would really hate, but I feel like doing those things are right for me. I just love what I do and I won't stop doing them, even if everybody says I can't. Making your dreams come true is not a crime unless the act to achieve it is unlawful.

Life on Pause

My friend came to me today a little distressed about a certain predicament presented to her before classes started. I always see myself as the older sister in these situations and the best way I knew to help her was to let her know that whatever difficult situation that she needed to overcome, she should always see it as an opportunity to use her mind. A problem is something we don't have an answer to, and if we give up the first time we encounter it by crying or feeling sorry for ourselves then it would be like accepting that we will never ever find a way to overcome it.

Nothing is easy, but if we try to see things differently it could be. Right now, being a student and being partly self-employed hasn't been the greatest, because I feel like I had to keep my life on pause, but it's okay. I find every little thing as an a opportunity for whatever great thing I stumble upon. Maybe I just haven't taken real time to appreciate what I got.

Freedom in a Cage

The only time that I feel like I'm completely myself is when I am writing, but I can't fully see that as a good thing. There's a small part of me that wants to embrace life and just get out there, but somehow I still end up seeking the comfort of the four walls of my house and that small desire becomes less significant by the day.

There must be a reason why I was brought into this world to be deprived of everything I want--at least it kept my life interesting. But right now I feel like I'm never gonna get out of here. It's like I'm shouting to the entire universe I'm ready for the good stuff but it's looking the other way.

I shouldn't complain though, I mean this is exactly the kind of thinking that would prevent myself from keeping an open mind. So maybe instead of saying I can't I should continue asking how? For now I'll just enjoy this form of freedom. Maybe if I get really good at writing I could write myself out of this cage.

I'm Getting Kim Jaejoong For Christmas

My Christmas since childhood was never about presents. In fact, I don't like getting presents for Christmas when I was a kid because I always get stuff that I don't really want, like clothes. For typical Filipino families, it's the time when people go to the bank to break their thousands into hundreds or smaller bills, because come Christmas day, kids get a really fat bonus (kaching!).

It was always a competition between me, my cousin, and my younger brother when it came to who gets more cash during the holiday season. Of course, as I grew older, my younger brother wins more often. Sometimes, the younger you are, the bigger cash you get. This is also why parents enjoy sending their kids to as many relatives as they can, because at the end of the day, kids won't really care about the money and won't remember how much they got, and all of it will go to mommy and daddy to pay for other expenses. I can't remember where I spent my Christmas money on every year, but since I'm an adult now, people expect me to give money to my niece and nephews and baby cousins. Here I am thinking, tsk, I should have put my money in the bank so I wouldn't worry so much when I get older. I really get plenty of money during Christmas back then.

So now that those days are over, I have to settle with getting presents. It's a good thing I have a very cool mom though, because despite getting unappealing souvenirs from other relatives as presents, she always gets me stuff that I like. This Christmas I'm getting this:

JYJ Kim Jaejoong Wrist Watch

Okay, so I'm still totally obsessing about Kim Jaejoong and I think this is one of the most good-looking photos I've seen of him and I...................want to date him! XD This is totally against everything I've said in the past, and I know this wouldn't help me get rid of my inner crazy fan girl, but it's for Christmas! I have so many things to deal with at the moment and I want to be able to smile when I look at the time, and still think it's a great day even if it's not. Yes, Kim Jaejoong's picture makes me think of that, and if he's reading this he would probably think I'm crazy but the guy was born to be admired. For the record, I am not in love with him, I am in love with the fantasy of being in love (man, I sound like a girl). I don't really know the guy, but I like looking at him.

My friend got a similar watch for her birthday but she's an F.T. Island fan and she likes Lee Hong Ki so she got the LHK design and it got to the Philippines exactly on the day of her birthday. I took some photos of it, because the watch looked awesome!

I cannot wait for my present to arrive. I'll make sure to take photos when it does. So what are you guys getting for Christmas?

Unexpected Conversation

I don't think anyone is sure where they are heading. They know where they want to be, but never sure if that's really where they would end up. Saturdays are one of those times when my brain completely gives up learning, because let's face it, Saturday is like the yellow traffic light of the weekend. I only had one class every Saturday, and it was one of those classes that could really kill your enthusiasm for learning not because of the subject being taught, but rather the long hours you have to spend being bombarded with information without being given enough time to process them.

I was, however, fortunate to have a professor that is very good with people. To be honest, the only people I know who treat others that well are those who built business empires from scratch, because those people know a lot of things, and one of those things is having an open mind about anyone and anything. I consider myself very lucky to have known and have a personal conversation with such a person. I've always wished to meet someone who could possibly mentor me on how to improve myself not just in what I do but also in different situations.

As I go on and live my life, I know, whether I like it not, I will meet new people that I have to deal with. I admit, even if I sometimes step outside my box of comfort, I still end the day coiling back into it. I'm working on that, and I'm proud of myself because I'm actually trying to get along with other people and I meet those who I could really learn from.

My professor was very perceptive when it came to life in general. I felt like a new person when I walked out of her office. But of course, a person doesn't change over one helpful conversation. It did, however, gave me a clearer picture of what's missing and what else I needed to learn. Sometimes I think I don't have the time to learn all of them, but the results will be utterly up to me.

Why aren't many people think the same way I do at my age? Aren't they curious? I've said this so many times in my blogs and journals: I've always felt different. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I sometimes wonder why everyone doesn't see things the way I do? There are a few exceptions but not so many.

After class, my professor, my friend Nova, and I talked from 3PM to 7:30PM, and for once in my life, I felt like someone in that school actually get me. I don't want to sound like a teen totally bugging about how school sucks, but after the day ended it seemed like she was the only person in that entire campus that's actually doing her job. Why can't the rest of the school be like her?

That unplanned and unexpected conversation gave me another challenge in life. The question is am I really up for it? I feel like all the challenges are piling up and I'm getting left behind.

If You Don't Like Me Then So Be It

I'm not perfect. But who the hell is? I know there are people who I'll never get along with and will not like me for no reason. It's normal, and it's a part of life's challenges. The best way I always knew to handle such situations is to just ignore them. Let's face it, the world will always have bullies, and there will be people who think they are far better than you and will make sure that you know it.

I used to like fighting a lot. I was notorious for getting into fights ever since kindergarten, and I wasn't really proud of that--it wasn't ladylike. A few years ago, I decided to turn over a new leaf and actually tried to control my temper and thirst for conflicts. But you know what? Going on a more peaceful path didn't come without complications. It turns out when you stop being a bully, the tables turn and all the bad deeds you've planted will come back to haunt you somehow. After learning from my mistakes, I knew I had to set some boundaries that allowed me to avoid conflicts and also prevented people from pushing me around.

I do struggle to become a better person, but I don't do it to please everybody else. For those cynics who judge me just because I really enjoy being myself, you all must be so pretty damn perfect to think that I exist to simply entertain your twisted perception of how important you are than other people. Yes I hate those people, and I'm not very big on the forgiveness department. So if they really don't like me, so be it.

I'm not in a fight with anyone or anything. I'm just not feeling the bad attitude vibe I'm getting from some people, in case you're reading this mom.

Still Looking For Answers

Ever experienced knowing exactly where you should go but have no clue how to get there? That's me right now. I've just began learning new things to get some questions answered and so far I still need to ask for directions.

Yesterday I got teased at class because I speak and sound American during introductions. Before I would've felt embarrassed but now I really feel sorry for those people. They make fun of their own insecurities and it just shows how clueless they are of what's really important. They probably thought I was showing off, but I'm just really more comfortable speaking in my second language. They will never amount to anything if they continue to think that knowing more is laughable. They're still in the little cocoon of college, ignorant of the outside world called life.

So I sound a little bitter about the whole thing, because I'm appalled at how education is wasted on those who  do not strive to improve themselves. College is supposed to be fun, but it's also a place where you learn the extent of your abilities. I was glad I was given a second chance to learn that.

When I got back home I was staring at my computer, trying to recollect the things I've done and accomplished for the year. It was pretty good, compared to the previous years. But I realized I was still in the circle, trapped in a race that never ends. When I graduate and get a job, what next? Save up and hope for the best? That could take years and possibly a lifetime. I want out of the circle, and the only way for that to happen is if I find the right answers.

Sometimes I think I'm the problem. Maybe I was asking the wrong questions, or maybe the answers are there but I chose not to listen because they're not what I wanted to hear. I think many people go through the same thing. We all wonder if there's really more to life than just waking up in the morning and settling for what we have but are afraid to face the answers. Unfortunately, the only people who find the way out of the endless race are those who are brave enough to take risks. I never believe opportunities knock on doors. They don't grow legs and come running to you. We find opportunities and if we can't we make them.

I always had this feeling that I was born for something big. People like me are thrown rocks at by cynics and are believed to be delusional, but I never stopped thinking that I can't do something just because people say I can't. I was blessed with a mind that's capable of creating so many things that my entire life isn't enough time to make all of them happen. But what's missing are the information to increase my knowledge on how to get these ideas done. The education I'm getting is not enough. School only teaches us about textbook knowledge but never provide us the experience.

I never learned anything from school about writing. Maybe because, my teachers weren't really writers. I learned writing from the internet and it's the same with everything else I know. It made me wonder whether I'm investing money at the right place. If college hasn't taught me anything then what's the use for it? I hated my country for having this old belief that you're only competent if you have a college degree. Even degree holders can't communicate as well as I do. I'm not bragging. I'm just pointing out that the whole employment system in my country is stupid.

I once found a job ad saying that you need to be a degree holder to do a typing job--a freaking typing job! My little nieces and nephews could do that. It's very disappointing that our skills here are measured by a piece of paper and not by our actual performance. Anyway, I feel like a mad scientist trying to create a formula that will get me out of the trap I'm in. Maybe I'll get to invent something, but for now it's going to take me a lot of research to answer one simple question: how?