An Obsession

Dear Sean,

I don’t know how to admit to myself this, but I think I’m falling for him, and I seriously don’t want to. I feel like I’m not supposed to. I feel like he doesn’t want me to. I’ve never been actually asked by a guy I liked to just be friends. It seems impossible. Can you really be friends with someone you like and not expect more?

I don’t know where I stand. Should I expect more? I can’t ask myself to let go. It’s too difficult. I feel at peace around him, and I feel dead without him. I feel like it’s too much. I feel that I should stop. If I don’t I’ll end up bleeding again. I don’t want to get hurt—not again—not anymore.

I hate feeling now. It seems dangerous, but I found my drug. He’s my drug, but I don’t think he can really ever be mine. I’m scared Sean, really scared. I’m jumping off the cliff again, but this time I’m sure I’ll get hurt. But how come I can’t bring myself to care what happens to me? Why do I allow myself to get hurt? This is crazy isn’t it?

I’m trying to fight the feeling. I’m trying not feel. But Sean, I’m not sure how long I can hold on. I’m starting to lose control—to lose grip of all that makes sense. Help. I don’t want to feel anymore.

Fast Week

I remembered saying that I'll be updating what happened to our awesome party last, last Saturday, but apparently that wasn't the end of it. I never expected the party chains that followed after that, so I've been so drunk the whole week that I can't remember much of anything. LOL.

It's been ages since I got drunk stupid, and when I say stupid, I mean STUPID. I'm a talker once alcohol sinks in. There was this guy who I really liked, and I totally spilled my heart out to him. LMAO. Talk about embarrassment, I had no idea how to face him the next day. Aside from that, I threw up--and good thing not on him. I would probably die of shame. XD.

But good thing that didn't turn him off. I swore off alcohol a few days after that. We'll have another reunion after Christmas. I'm looking forward to it. Everything's almost planned out.

Right now, I'm wishing that time would slow down a bit. I can't keep up with my thoughts. Everything's moving so fast. But it feels fun. I feel like I'm alive again. ^_^

Freakin' Cool Partay Eva

Wow. I cannot believe I didn't post anything about our elementary batch reunion last night. I totally spaced out.

The party was amazing! Just waiting for the photos to be uploaded (thanks Morris ^_^). It's too bad for those who didn't come, they missed a hell of fun, and I AM NOT exaggerating. Everyone just completely clicked together like 10 years didn't even pass. It was dramatic, emotional, crazy and I loved every minute of it. I can't wait for the next one.

Anyway, for the Licean 2K, thank you for making me a part of that memorable moment *winks*. Thank you for all of those who came and those who made this possible, especially to my cousin, who unfortunately, wasn't able to attend.

So, I'm totally beat, and I need some shut-eye. I'm going to update this later. Hopefully I'll be blogging about more reunions in the future. Love ya'll! Peace out.

More Art

This is similar to my crayola art in flickr.com and I've always wanted to draw a digital version. I think it looks cool, but not as good as the first one.

I like drawing faces, but most of the ones I draw pretty much look the same. I'll keep on drawing until I can actually draw a more realistic face.

I saw a photo similar to this drawing and I thought it would be nice to create one of my own. I like the outcome but I feel like there's something missing in this drawing.

Art For A Cause

I've been thinking about how I can help other people who are less fortunate. I really like what Ready or Not Foundation is doing with helping out children. But the thing is, I live in a third world country and I have really nothing to give. I want to help out too, but I don't know where to start.This problem made me think of alternatives. Then I thought maybe I can make something.

I can draw, just not that good. But I can create amateur sketches and I think I can use that to raise some money to donate. I'm not really sure if people would be interested in my illustrations, but I figured it's worth trying. After all, it's for a good cause.

 

My second idea would be to make greeting cards or those wristbands I made a few months ago and sell them online. It would be easier to donate the proceeds online than through money order, and I have no idea how that works.

I'm thinking I'm not being very creative with my ideas, but I'll figure something out. Every penny counts and each can do a lot, so I'm not losing hope. I'll find a way to help out. I just have to think harder. ^_^

I'm "Serious"

I'm experiencing a typical first week of a semester. Our professors had decided to prolong their vacations by not attending their classes today, which meant longer vacant periods for us. I don't really mind them not showing up, what I mind is that I have to wait excessively long hours for my next class. This must be one of their strategies to torture students. It's working pretty good.

I have so much free time in between classes that I decided to study. I couldn't believe it. I'm actually studying ahead for my class. Two weeks indoors did a lot to me. Maybe I'm just bored, but I am trying to be serious this semester. I don't think I'll survive if I had to stay up late every night to study. But of course, I know myself better than anyone, which means that this drive won't last long. I'm betting before the middle of the semester, the laziness would kick in. I'm never the one to rely on when it comes to focusing. I'm easily amused and I have a short attention span.

I couldn't help looking at the fun part of life most of the time. Dwelling too much in the dark does that to you sometimes. It gives you too much hope that you become overly optimistic, kind of like coffee. Anyway, I better go back to studying. I want to get high grades on my preliminary exam so I won't have to beat myself up too much during finals.

My Role Model

Jeremy Sumpter supporting the Ready Or Not Foundation in Corpus Christi, TX

To know more about this foundation visit: http://www.readyornotfoundation.org/ 

 

Visit Jeremy's website for more photos and to know his other charity works at: http://www.jeremysumpter.com/ 

How Young Can You Get?

I've been reading a lot of other people's personal blogs and visiting different kinds of forums, and what I couldn't help notice were these teenagers and their endless rants about how their life sucks and how much in a hurry they are to grow up. I've watched this movie called 17 Again and the main character, who was played by Zac Efron, said that when you're young everything feels like the end of the world, which I have to agree. I have ranted about how my life sucks a few years back, but the difference between those kids and me is that I never wished to grow up.

When you have been brought to a good life, it feels like you have so much problems when in reality you're the one who's really lucky. On the other side of that, those people brought up to witness horrible things only wishes for the reality to stop. When my life came crashing down, I only wanted to remain in my old perfect world. Things were normal then--there was no pain to feel but bits of cuts and bruises that goes away after a few hours.

What teenagers don't realize is that their life isn't as bad as they think, and if I had the chance to remain a kid forever I'd take it. It wasn't my choice to grow up early, life had decided that for me. Kids are lucky when they have someone to run to when they needed comforting, I didn't have that. It was the other way around.

It was a good thing that I've learned to become optimistic, nothing good will ever come if we dwell too much with our bad memories. That's why I try my best not to worry about things, it makes you feel old. I want to be as young as I can get, but not totally mental of course. Having fun isn't really such a bad thing even if you're world is falling apart. It helps heal the most painful wounds, all we have to do is let the pain go.