Hit Pause and Replay

There are still some part of my old self that I wish I could go back to. People know me for my love of writing but somehow I don't think that's me anymore. I don't know how I ended up losing that side of me and I feel like my heart had completely moved on to something else. Is it because I'm a girl and I'm prone to changing my mind all the time? I don't think that's the case. Maybe it's because no matter how clear I see myself and my future, I still don't really know what I want.

I'm still young, and I still have my whole life to figure out what I want--that's what my mom told me. But how do we know for sure if I'll still have the time? Life is short as they say, and I don't like waiting for answers. So what do I do?

I keep a journal and write on it once in a while. In it I saw how happy I was just writing, and how crazy I've become when I discovered JYJ. I don't regret any of it though. I met a lot of wonderful people along the way, but maybe it's time for me to take a moment and see where this is leading me. Being a fan girl is great but where will it get me? When I go back to my life before JYJ, I had ambitions that are crafted for myself, now I feel like my ambitions are solely for them. I don't like that. It's like having a boyfriend and being a slave of love--something I swore off from for the time being. I love JYJ but I think it would be best for me to take a step back and check on my emotions for them and draw a line from being a crazy fan girl to just a fan girl.

Their fans and their love of music is the reason why they sing. What's my reason for writing? I'm going back to where I was before I knew them, maybe I'll find what I need to figure out what's missing. As beautiful as JYJ are, they don't know who I am, and I'm not saying goodbye to them, but maybe I need to keep a safe distance. I would love to go back and love writing again. Maybe this is my last chance to regain that. I only have less than two years left for myself before I go back to the real world. I'm going to make most of it.