Not Good

I've worked on a digital painting yesterday. I was fairly satisfied with my work but when I went and took a second look at it, I was very disappointed. I like to believe that I'm good but somehow I'm having problems convincing myself, because inside I know I'm still not good enough.

I usually compare myself to professional artists--which is stupid because it doesn't really help with my self-esteem. But every time I look at their work, I see mine as trashy and ugly. I feel like a kid comparing her school art project with a well-known artist. And still in my head, a voice whispers saying: 'I can make something like that. I can make something great too.'

I know I need practice but I don't feel like I do. What I need are the right tools. But then again, how can I call myself great if I can't make a wonderful art with what I have?

I still wonder what I need to be as good as they are. Say that I'm too proud, I don't really care. I know I'm good, I just don't know how to be good. Perhaps what I lack most is knowledge of the art. You can't really fight with a sword without knowing how to swing it. If only time will allow me do what's needed for me to succeed, but apparently The Almighty has other plans for me. I can't really fight it, no matter how much I want to go the other way--which is what I want for myself. But hence, His will be done.

Taking My Own Medicine

As you might have noticed some of my previous posts were created in a day. I transferred all my blogs from friendster since no one reads them there anyway. I downloaded pictures just to make them look more presentable. I swear I will replace them with my own when I have the time.

Anyway, I just realized that I have this tendency of not taking my own advice. I've read my posts as if they're not my own. It's like I didn't write them. As my eyes go through each line with disbelief, I've discovered that I've lost so much of my confidence that I didn't see that I was capable of thinking such thoughts. I've been wondering what I need to do with my life and my answer was in cyberspace all along.

I've always been able to give good advice and only God knows where they're coming from. I admit, I didn't come up with all my advices at all, but the words just flow out like they're just hiding in my head, and comes out when I need them. I find it weird and scary. Some of people say it's a gift, a gift I wish would benefit me too.

It's always easier to see the bigger picture when it's not my problem I'm dealing with. I've experienced this first hand with my mother and some of my friends. But when it's my turn to deal with my own troubles, everything seems so cloudy and gray. Taking my own medicine would seem like a good idea, but when emotion sets in, the mere thought seems ridiculous.

I somehow feel like my way of thinking is different from the people around me. I already know that I live in my own world but there's more to that. I tend to see the other side of things that people don't look at. But I don't mean that I'm above anyone, it's the exact opposite actually, because I'm extremely stubborn. I know that for a fact. I'm not saying I'm proud of it, what I'm saying is that I'm so stubborn that it has become dangerous for me. I've set my mind to isolate myself from the rest of the world. A defense-mechanism perhaps. Once I want something, I hang on to the thought of getting it. I don't let go--even if it means destroying myself. People who know me well enough would think I'm strange and stupid. They're probably right. I too find myself quite strange and stupid.

I already know the answer to my problems, yet I don't apply them. A part of me wants to prove myself wrong. A part that believes that there's another answer. I don't want to end up with just one right choice in my life. I don't want to believe that I have no choice but to take it. It's not that I don't take my own medicine, I just don't want it. I already know the answer before the problem even got to me. It would be like slapping myself in the face if I take my own advice. Even if it is the wisest decision to make, going the other way might bring something better. Besides, I think a bit of drama in life is healthy.

Another Day of Nothing, Another Night of Dreams

I've realized that as the days passed by I don't feel like I'm amounting into anything. Even if I'm studying my butt off, it seems like I'm not going anywhere, and I don't see myself heading for something great. I feel so idle, like I'm rotting as the world continues to rotate around our beloved sun.

Who would have thought that studying can make me feel so stagnant. I'm very much used to creating art. I love to write as you might have already noticed. I also love to draw as a lot of my friends know. Dealing with numbers everyday keeps me away from doing these things, and I feel like I'm trapped in some dimension I've created because of making the wrong choice with my course.

I don't want to back out, because I know that this is a big accomplishment for me if I graduate. But at the back of my head is a voice nagging me to quit and just do what I love. I feel completely empty as my major slowly sucks the life out of me. It takes up all my time even when I don't have classes for the day, the only thing I can think about is study.

I feel guilty whenever I indulge myself in art. It makes me think that I'm committing a crime because I'm neglecting my studies. But if I don't draw or write, I'm going to go mad. It's a necessity for me. These are my only outlet to release stress. But as of now, every time I try to relax, I don't enjoy my time anymore. What lingers in my brain is that voice saying I have no more time to relax, there's something I need to do, something important and this is wasting my time.

How can someone deal with that? My mind is telling me that I'm wasting my time doing the things I love in exchange for doing something I hate. I used to love my course, back when it was still...well...easy. Now, it has become a nightmare that haunts me even when I'm awake.

I need a few days off to find myself. I can't let this frustration cloud my mind. It's not healthy for anyone to hold back their dreams. My passion cannot be mine until I resolve my issue with what I really want to do. Will my parents understand and at to what extent? Is it too late to change my mind? And if I can, will I regret it?

Time sucks that way. You have no choice but to wait for that moment to come to see the result of your choice. For now, I shall ponder on these thoughts and hopefully resolve it as early as I can. Time is what I'm up against at the moment, I just hope I have enough left.

I'm Caffeinated

I haven't slept at all since yesterday, and I'm still buzzing with all that caffeine I took. It might have already mixed with my blood. I don't see that as a bad thing. I feel so energetic, like I'm incapable of feeling exhaustion.

Okay, so let's see what's in my brain right now. I just took my preliminary exam on my major and I don't think I did so good. My mind is partially empty at the moment due to excessive outflow of information, and I feel like I'm on crack.

I'm like BLAH!

I just want to unwind a bit. I might have short circuited my brain during the exam. I'm incapable of arranging and producing thoughts logically. I feel like I should write something significant but I'm just not in the mood. Besides, I'm hungry. I don't think well when I'm hungry. I'm a bit pissed as well 'coz forgot to bring lunch money. Argh!

I'm becoming so forgetful. I can't even let my mind rest with all these homework piled up. I don't have the luxury of getting a day off. It sucks. Good thing caffeine helps me cheer up. I wonder how long it will take before I pass out? It's bound to wear off any time.

*Yawn* I think it's starting to wear off now.

Oh well, at least it was a fun trip.

Fitting Squares into Circles

I feel like I somehow made a big mistake in choosing what I want to do with my life. I feel like ice in hot water, melting quickly--diminishing instead of being contributory. It's like fitting a square into a circle. I know they are not the same shape and they don't belong together, and yet I still try to fit one figure into the other.

I figured my choice would be very useful to me. A wise decision as some might say, but it's not really what I want. I know it inside but I still chose it. It was like I had two roads in front of me. On the first one, I see my dreams, and on the second one, I see sure success. Was it reasonable to choose success at the price of my dreams? I don't want to end up like those people who are unfulfilled because they never had a chance to do what they wanted in life.

If somehow I won't be able to go both paths, how will this affect me? According to my Business Psychology class, the repressed desires I have are stored in the unconscious level of my mind. I don't think it's good for me to have those there or anywhere in my brain at all. I feel like I'm always deprived and I just write to compensate for it, but it's not enough.

I've seen a lot of success stories on TV, and read some on the Internet as well. Those people worked hard, and I mean really hard to reach their success. In the process they also sacrificed a lot. I wonder if I can do what they did. Can I handle the pressure? I'm not very good with restrictions but I'm willing to break that so I can take that other road as well.

How long will it take? Everyday I feel like I'm running out of time, and I feel like I need to fast forward everything. I want to taste the success of fulfilling my dreams as soon as I can. Is it wrong to rush? I don't want to be old and wrinkly before I get there.

The only way I see this working is if I use the path I chose now as a stepping stone. Is it possible? Will I make it? I wish I knew. Hopefully I'll be able to decide soon. Time is running out and money is being wasted. I need to figure out what to do, and hopefully this time my choice would be the right one.

Less Emotion Is Good For The Brain

I realized that I was being completely emotional in my previous posts, that it sort of made me think that my emotions are damaging my brain. I forgot that my life used to be good when I don't think much about stuff I shouldn't really think about. It's like when a friend of yours tells you his hand stinks and you sniff it anyway just to make sure that it does. I know I need money and still I spend on useless junk. Foresee the obvious. Dodge obstacles whenever you can and enjoy life.

Of course, there are limits to enjoyment. Too much fun can make you feel like a bum. Productivity and pleasure must always be balanced, and there are ways to have both happen at the same time. Example: Blogging.

So what do we do when we have a problem? First of all, we shouldn't let it drag us down. We already know it's a problem why waste our time worrying? Second, think positively. Don't think of ways of solving your problems with the thought of hopelessness lingering at the back of your mind. Remember, we are avoiding being dragged down, because it will never help us. Third, Don't just rely on thinking. If you have thought of a plan and you've analyzed its chances of effectiviteness, go and execute it. Thinking alone cannot solve anything. And lastly, be brave. Problems that requires tough decisions are not easy to overcome. You must have courage in facing them. Avoid self-pity, it will make you feel worse about your situation and yourself.

As I've said life isn't without struggles. Overcoming problems may be easier said than done, but once you've prevailed all the hardships are worth it. Stop thinking too much about little things and stop being so emotional all the time, it's not good for the brain. You won't be able to think right, and you might regret its effects one day and you'll end up suffering more than you expect.

Me Against the World

I have a lot on my mind lately. I think I'm losing my ability to think like an individual. Everyday is a struggle, as I slowly feel myself becoming like every one else. I've morphed into someone I hardly recognize.

I always see myself as a happy person, and I don't care much about things. But lately everything is so darn serious. I feel the weight of the world against me, and it's forcing me to think about things that don't usually cross my mind. It might not be a big deal to some people, and I agree, but whenever I think about it I feel like a have this huge problem.

I think it's safe to say it's not puberty, I'm done with that a long time ago. I'd like to believe that it's a phase that everyone has to go through at a certain point of their life. But what bothers me is that I'm too young to be worrying about anything at all. I blame poverty.

Yes, I'm thinking about money. I have no dream of becoming rich, it requires too much hard work. But as of now, it's been bothering me. Dreams are not really free after all.

I'm also thinking about death. Lately, everyone seems to be dying. It's heavy to take in, real heavy. I'm talking about those famous people that had passed away this year, and of course my pets. I'm not really good at keeping my pets alive. Maybe it's just bad luck on my part.

I have this burden that's easy to get rid off but sticks to you like a leech. I feel like I'm aging faster because of it. I'm stressed and depressed. I have my needs fulfilled but not my wants. I'm thinking that these repressed desires will bite me on the ass one day and I'd just lose my mind completely.

Well as they say tomorrow's another day, and life goes on. I hate these cliches. They seem limiting, like we have no choice. But it's true, as much as I hate to admit. These burdens will pass, it's just a matter of how long I can hold on. But right now all I can do is to be brave. Life isn't without struggles. This is just one of them. There will be more to come.

My Life is a Coincidence

Ever went some place and wish that you won't bump in to someone you're avoiding but then it happens anyway? That happened to me today. I went to my old school and I came across with that guy.

Even before I went out of the house, I was already praying that I won't see him. I'm too scared of what I will feel if I see him again. As I rode the tricycle, I was still thinking and praying. I calculated the odds of me and him meeting. The chances are low. I used to think those things really don't happen for real. But I was always bad in math.

When I saw him, I had mixed feelings of relief and disappointment. I was relieved because I get to see him after all these years. I was disappointed because I haven't forgotten everything.

I can't even remember how long I've been struggling with these feelings. It started in high school. I thought it would go away after college. I was in Makati then. It went away but only for a while. In the end I still wondered what if. Then we ended up going to the same college. I got hurt, so I tried forgetting. I was with someone, then another, then it was over.

I looked back thinking if all those things I did was for him all along. I tried turning my attention to someone else so rejection wouldn't be as painful. It backfired all at once. I couldn't bear to face anyone after that, especially him. So I left with the pain.

There was no other choice for me but to move on, and I did eventually. I thought that would be the end of a very sad story, until I started dreaming about him, over and over, night after night. I prayed that God would give me the reason why, but it doesn't work that way. It got too much that I prayed for it to stop. Whatever it means, I'm guessing I still haven't figured it out, coz I'm still dreaming every night, over and over.

The dream was becoming a regular thing. I won't ever forget him, will I? I kept convincing myself that there's nothing there. It was a mere coincidence that we met again. It was no big deal. But no matter how much I try to convince myself, I know what I really feel. I'm just in denial.

He seems happy. I should just leave him alone. I don't even want to know how happy he is because I might not be able to take it. I just want to remember him as a friend. A very special friend.

I never really hated him. I could never allow myself to. He's a nice person, he didn't truly hurt me intentionally, and I wish I could thank him without sounding too mushy.

What made me happy was he actually spoke to me. He asked me if I'm coming back. I told him no. I'm transferring to another school. I still can't believe he spoke to me, he did change a bit. I was actually expecting that he'd just give me a nod when I said hi.

I'm looking for closure. I need to let him go. It's been years, and maybe I am beginning to learn to let go. Somehow, I don't feel so upset anymore. But the thing is I have another predicament I'm trying to deal with.

When I got home, my brother told me that he's not taking a two-year course anymore, which changes the situation for me. I called up my dad and he told me that he wants me to continue studying in Letran. Isn't it nuts?

The reason why I wanted to transfer was to let go of the painful memories that lingers there. Also, I want to take digital arts. But that has more years than what I have left in Letran. I'm not sure on what to decide.

I'm scared. The universe is teaching me to face my fears.

I let my emotions get the best of me then, what about now?

And the last thing I'm wondering is that, if I didn't get drunk during the ORG swimming would things be different for me now? I doubt it though. This is how things are supposed to happen. I didn't choose to meet him again, he didn't choose it either. We don't have control over it.

We're both happy anyways, so I suppose nothing could go wrong. Those dreams were probably subconscious mumbo-jumbo. I have a BF and he has a GF, everybody lives happily ever after. And that's the end of that.

The Song in my Brain

This morning I woke up from a dream. It's that guy again. I've been dreaming about him for the past few months, and it's driving me nuts. I don't really want to remember him everyday. I don't really care about him anymore--not after those countless times he ignored me. I knew I liked him for 2 years before but I wish my brain would quit remembering him. Is there a pill I can take to erase my memory?

Anyway, I don't remember much of those dreams, only the fact that they were getting on my nerves. There was a time when I dream about him every night. I wonder what my subconscious is telling me? I seriously don't have any feelings for him anymore.

After I read my diary, I laughed at how ridiculous I was obsessing over a guy who's not even attractive. But I have to admit he has nice shoulders. Maybe the shoulders did it.

The reason why I'm telling all this is because, when I was in high school (back when I was crushing on him) I wrote this song. It had nothing to do with him, it was more like some happy emo crap, if there's such a thing. Anyway I really like that song.

This morning I woke up from a dream of him and I remembered the song. I remember sending the whole lyrics to him via text message. I know it sounds nuts, but high school students are supposed to be dumb when it comes to these sorts of things.

I tried recalling the lyrics, thinking that I might have wrote it in my old Garfield notebook--which I might have thrown away ( I hope not). I'm sort of wishing, although there's a slim chance, that he could've wrote the lyrics I sent to him. But that's like dreaming I have wings and can fly, it'll never happen in real life.

But if there's a chance he did, there's no way for me to contact him. I don't think he even remembers me. The song's title is Destiny's Arms. It's about wishing to see the future so mistakes can be avoided. It's Evanescence -inspired.

I need to complete the lyrics so I can create the music. I want to use it in this animation I'm planning to create once I get my computer fixed. I remember most of the song except for the rest of the second verse. I only remember its first line. After that, it's all lalalalalala, and a lot of humming.

That song might help me financially, who knows. I just wish I keep my stuff in a file, but then again my computer crashes all the time so that might not help.

*Sigh*

What's a girl to do in this situation? I need that second verse bad. Once I complete it, I can have some friends help me with it, and maybe I can sell it for a few G's or use it myself for talent showcase.

My friends, if you guys remember me singing it and you remember the second verse, please send it to me right away. I might pay you...after I get called for my job interview.

Well, that's it. I'm gonna post the song once I complete it. Wish me luck ^_^.

When Not to Look Back

Regret. It exists in everyone because of wrong and also right choices. Every night I have problems sleeping, because I usually think a lot. My mind drifts off on different planes of thoughts, be it reality or illusions. My mind is an imaginary story book of things that happened and things I want to happen to me or to someone else. But usually when I think, I find it harder to sleep. Although I resist the urge to open closed books, some of its unfinished chapters keep popping out--sometimes unexpectedly. I then find myself "strolling down memory lane".

I've always wondered about the "what ifs" of my life. What if I made the other choice was mostly my question. Although, the answer is still kept in the shadows, I can't help wonder if things would be better if I did. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with the way my life is going for me, but those "what ifs"...well, I can't help but to think about them.

Closure is something I am used to run away from. When things get too edgy to even sink in, the only way for me to save myself is to forget. But you never really forget. Good things are easier to forget than the bad things. The bad things usually leave you wounded, and wounds leave scars, and intangible scars cannot be removed by anything.

How do you deal with the "what ifs" in life? My conclusion is you don't. I've always loved that line from the Big Yellow Taxi song:

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone?

I try to keep that in mind to push the "what ifs" back into the dark where they should remain. When not to look back is the same as saying don't regret. The "what ifs" make regret emerge from that hollow pit in your heart. That missing hole, is where those regrets are thrown--in my opinion at least.

My life had never been glamorous. It is a pool of drama, and to think I never watched telenovelas in the past. I've learned to love that ugly past, it made me see how beautiful its ugliness was. Life is never fair, we never get what we want most of the time, and what we want is never really what we need. So all in all, I'd still like to believe that I've chosen the right path. I am happy--drama included. ;-)

When not to look back is when you turn your back on your should have, would have, and could haves. We made the choice, we have to own up to it. If it's wrong doesn't mean we can't make it right. It might not be what we want to happen but that's just how life is. We have limited control over it. But life would be dull if we get everything our way. Everything has an end, be it sadness or happiness, it's just a continuous cycle that ends when it's time to end. It might not be easy to accept, but eventually it will be. It's a sad thought for me though, but being human, better always seems better but there will always be better than better, and our curious hunger for satisfaction will make us think if we made the right choices. Just don't look back when you don't have to.