When Not to Look Back

Regret. It exists in everyone because of wrong and also right choices. Every night I have problems sleeping, because I usually think a lot. My mind drifts off on different planes of thoughts, be it reality or illusions. My mind is an imaginary story book of things that happened and things I want to happen to me or to someone else. But usually when I think, I find it harder to sleep. Although I resist the urge to open closed books, some of its unfinished chapters keep popping out--sometimes unexpectedly. I then find myself "strolling down memory lane".

I've always wondered about the "what ifs" of my life. What if I made the other choice was mostly my question. Although, the answer is still kept in the shadows, I can't help wonder if things would be better if I did. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with the way my life is going for me, but those "what ifs"...well, I can't help but to think about them.

Closure is something I am used to run away from. When things get too edgy to even sink in, the only way for me to save myself is to forget. But you never really forget. Good things are easier to forget than the bad things. The bad things usually leave you wounded, and wounds leave scars, and intangible scars cannot be removed by anything.

How do you deal with the "what ifs" in life? My conclusion is you don't. I've always loved that line from the Big Yellow Taxi song:

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone?

I try to keep that in mind to push the "what ifs" back into the dark where they should remain. When not to look back is the same as saying don't regret. The "what ifs" make regret emerge from that hollow pit in your heart. That missing hole, is where those regrets are thrown--in my opinion at least.

My life had never been glamorous. It is a pool of drama, and to think I never watched telenovelas in the past. I've learned to love that ugly past, it made me see how beautiful its ugliness was. Life is never fair, we never get what we want most of the time, and what we want is never really what we need. So all in all, I'd still like to believe that I've chosen the right path. I am happy--drama included. ;-)

When not to look back is when you turn your back on your should have, would have, and could haves. We made the choice, we have to own up to it. If it's wrong doesn't mean we can't make it right. It might not be what we want to happen but that's just how life is. We have limited control over it. But life would be dull if we get everything our way. Everything has an end, be it sadness or happiness, it's just a continuous cycle that ends when it's time to end. It might not be easy to accept, but eventually it will be. It's a sad thought for me though, but being human, better always seems better but there will always be better than better, and our curious hunger for satisfaction will make us think if we made the right choices. Just don't look back when you don't have to.