My Life is a Coincidence

Ever went some place and wish that you won't bump in to someone you're avoiding but then it happens anyway? That happened to me today. I went to my old school and I came across with that guy.

Even before I went out of the house, I was already praying that I won't see him. I'm too scared of what I will feel if I see him again. As I rode the tricycle, I was still thinking and praying. I calculated the odds of me and him meeting. The chances are low. I used to think those things really don't happen for real. But I was always bad in math.

When I saw him, I had mixed feelings of relief and disappointment. I was relieved because I get to see him after all these years. I was disappointed because I haven't forgotten everything.

I can't even remember how long I've been struggling with these feelings. It started in high school. I thought it would go away after college. I was in Makati then. It went away but only for a while. In the end I still wondered what if. Then we ended up going to the same college. I got hurt, so I tried forgetting. I was with someone, then another, then it was over.

I looked back thinking if all those things I did was for him all along. I tried turning my attention to someone else so rejection wouldn't be as painful. It backfired all at once. I couldn't bear to face anyone after that, especially him. So I left with the pain.

There was no other choice for me but to move on, and I did eventually. I thought that would be the end of a very sad story, until I started dreaming about him, over and over, night after night. I prayed that God would give me the reason why, but it doesn't work that way. It got too much that I prayed for it to stop. Whatever it means, I'm guessing I still haven't figured it out, coz I'm still dreaming every night, over and over.

The dream was becoming a regular thing. I won't ever forget him, will I? I kept convincing myself that there's nothing there. It was a mere coincidence that we met again. It was no big deal. But no matter how much I try to convince myself, I know what I really feel. I'm just in denial.

He seems happy. I should just leave him alone. I don't even want to know how happy he is because I might not be able to take it. I just want to remember him as a friend. A very special friend.

I never really hated him. I could never allow myself to. He's a nice person, he didn't truly hurt me intentionally, and I wish I could thank him without sounding too mushy.

What made me happy was he actually spoke to me. He asked me if I'm coming back. I told him no. I'm transferring to another school. I still can't believe he spoke to me, he did change a bit. I was actually expecting that he'd just give me a nod when I said hi.

I'm looking for closure. I need to let him go. It's been years, and maybe I am beginning to learn to let go. Somehow, I don't feel so upset anymore. But the thing is I have another predicament I'm trying to deal with.

When I got home, my brother told me that he's not taking a two-year course anymore, which changes the situation for me. I called up my dad and he told me that he wants me to continue studying in Letran. Isn't it nuts?

The reason why I wanted to transfer was to let go of the painful memories that lingers there. Also, I want to take digital arts. But that has more years than what I have left in Letran. I'm not sure on what to decide.

I'm scared. The universe is teaching me to face my fears.

I let my emotions get the best of me then, what about now?

And the last thing I'm wondering is that, if I didn't get drunk during the ORG swimming would things be different for me now? I doubt it though. This is how things are supposed to happen. I didn't choose to meet him again, he didn't choose it either. We don't have control over it.

We're both happy anyways, so I suppose nothing could go wrong. Those dreams were probably subconscious mumbo-jumbo. I have a BF and he has a GF, everybody lives happily ever after. And that's the end of that.