Taking My Own Medicine

As you might have noticed some of my previous posts were created in a day. I transferred all my blogs from friendster since no one reads them there anyway. I downloaded pictures just to make them look more presentable. I swear I will replace them with my own when I have the time.

Anyway, I just realized that I have this tendency of not taking my own advice. I've read my posts as if they're not my own. It's like I didn't write them. As my eyes go through each line with disbelief, I've discovered that I've lost so much of my confidence that I didn't see that I was capable of thinking such thoughts. I've been wondering what I need to do with my life and my answer was in cyberspace all along.

I've always been able to give good advice and only God knows where they're coming from. I admit, I didn't come up with all my advices at all, but the words just flow out like they're just hiding in my head, and comes out when I need them. I find it weird and scary. Some of people say it's a gift, a gift I wish would benefit me too.

It's always easier to see the bigger picture when it's not my problem I'm dealing with. I've experienced this first hand with my mother and some of my friends. But when it's my turn to deal with my own troubles, everything seems so cloudy and gray. Taking my own medicine would seem like a good idea, but when emotion sets in, the mere thought seems ridiculous.

I somehow feel like my way of thinking is different from the people around me. I already know that I live in my own world but there's more to that. I tend to see the other side of things that people don't look at. But I don't mean that I'm above anyone, it's the exact opposite actually, because I'm extremely stubborn. I know that for a fact. I'm not saying I'm proud of it, what I'm saying is that I'm so stubborn that it has become dangerous for me. I've set my mind to isolate myself from the rest of the world. A defense-mechanism perhaps. Once I want something, I hang on to the thought of getting it. I don't let go--even if it means destroying myself. People who know me well enough would think I'm strange and stupid. They're probably right. I too find myself quite strange and stupid.

I already know the answer to my problems, yet I don't apply them. A part of me wants to prove myself wrong. A part that believes that there's another answer. I don't want to end up with just one right choice in my life. I don't want to believe that I have no choice but to take it. It's not that I don't take my own medicine, I just don't want it. I already know the answer before the problem even got to me. It would be like slapping myself in the face if I take my own advice. Even if it is the wisest decision to make, going the other way might bring something better. Besides, I think a bit of drama in life is healthy.