Simple Update

It's been weeks since I posted anything. I have a lot to say but I don't want to tell them. The past few weeks had been crazy I'm still trying to get back on my feet.

I'm trying not to get in touch with my emotions 'coz it seems to be running my life, which is not good.

I'm happy that I'm still getting a lot of good feedback on my novel even if I can't figure out what to write next. I think I'll work on it tomorrow while I'm doing laundry. It's time to get chapter three to five posted on storywrite.com...

Anyway, this would be one of my shortest posts. I still got so much stuff to deal with, and it's nearly Christmas, which worries me. I'll get back here when I have time and hopefully with something exciting to tell. LOL.

Fast Week

I remembered saying that I'll be updating what happened to our awesome party last, last Saturday, but apparently that wasn't the end of it. I never expected the party chains that followed after that, so I've been so drunk the whole week that I can't remember much of anything. LOL.

It's been ages since I got drunk stupid, and when I say stupid, I mean STUPID. I'm a talker once alcohol sinks in. There was this guy who I really liked, and I totally spilled my heart out to him. LMAO. Talk about embarrassment, I had no idea how to face him the next day. Aside from that, I threw up--and good thing not on him. I would probably die of shame. XD.

But good thing that didn't turn him off. I swore off alcohol a few days after that. We'll have another reunion after Christmas. I'm looking forward to it. Everything's almost planned out.

Right now, I'm wishing that time would slow down a bit. I can't keep up with my thoughts. Everything's moving so fast. But it feels fun. I feel like I'm alive again. ^_^

Freakin' Cool Partay Eva

Wow. I cannot believe I didn't post anything about our elementary batch reunion last night. I totally spaced out.

The party was amazing! Just waiting for the photos to be uploaded (thanks Morris ^_^). It's too bad for those who didn't come, they missed a hell of fun, and I AM NOT exaggerating. Everyone just completely clicked together like 10 years didn't even pass. It was dramatic, emotional, crazy and I loved every minute of it. I can't wait for the next one.

Anyway, for the Licean 2K, thank you for making me a part of that memorable moment *winks*. Thank you for all of those who came and those who made this possible, especially to my cousin, who unfortunately, wasn't able to attend.

So, I'm totally beat, and I need some shut-eye. I'm going to update this later. Hopefully I'll be blogging about more reunions in the future. Love ya'll! Peace out.

More Art

This is similar to my crayola art in flickr.com and I've always wanted to draw a digital version. I think it looks cool, but not as good as the first one.

I like drawing faces, but most of the ones I draw pretty much look the same. I'll keep on drawing until I can actually draw a more realistic face.

I saw a photo similar to this drawing and I thought it would be nice to create one of my own. I like the outcome but I feel like there's something missing in this drawing.

Art For A Cause

I've been thinking about how I can help other people who are less fortunate. I really like what Ready or Not Foundation is doing with helping out children. But the thing is, I live in a third world country and I have really nothing to give. I want to help out too, but I don't know where to start.This problem made me think of alternatives. Then I thought maybe I can make something.

I can draw, just not that good. But I can create amateur sketches and I think I can use that to raise some money to donate. I'm not really sure if people would be interested in my illustrations, but I figured it's worth trying. After all, it's for a good cause.

 

My second idea would be to make greeting cards or those wristbands I made a few months ago and sell them online. It would be easier to donate the proceeds online than through money order, and I have no idea how that works.

I'm thinking I'm not being very creative with my ideas, but I'll figure something out. Every penny counts and each can do a lot, so I'm not losing hope. I'll find a way to help out. I just have to think harder. ^_^

I'm "Serious"

I'm experiencing a typical first week of a semester. Our professors had decided to prolong their vacations by not attending their classes today, which meant longer vacant periods for us. I don't really mind them not showing up, what I mind is that I have to wait excessively long hours for my next class. This must be one of their strategies to torture students. It's working pretty good.

I have so much free time in between classes that I decided to study. I couldn't believe it. I'm actually studying ahead for my class. Two weeks indoors did a lot to me. Maybe I'm just bored, but I am trying to be serious this semester. I don't think I'll survive if I had to stay up late every night to study. But of course, I know myself better than anyone, which means that this drive won't last long. I'm betting before the middle of the semester, the laziness would kick in. I'm never the one to rely on when it comes to focusing. I'm easily amused and I have a short attention span.

I couldn't help looking at the fun part of life most of the time. Dwelling too much in the dark does that to you sometimes. It gives you too much hope that you become overly optimistic, kind of like coffee. Anyway, I better go back to studying. I want to get high grades on my preliminary exam so I won't have to beat myself up too much during finals.

My Role Model

Jeremy Sumpter supporting the Ready Or Not Foundation in Corpus Christi, TX

To know more about this foundation visit: http://www.readyornotfoundation.org/ 

 

Visit Jeremy's website for more photos and to know his other charity works at: http://www.jeremysumpter.com/ 

How Young Can You Get?

I've been reading a lot of other people's personal blogs and visiting different kinds of forums, and what I couldn't help notice were these teenagers and their endless rants about how their life sucks and how much in a hurry they are to grow up. I've watched this movie called 17 Again and the main character, who was played by Zac Efron, said that when you're young everything feels like the end of the world, which I have to agree. I have ranted about how my life sucks a few years back, but the difference between those kids and me is that I never wished to grow up.

When you have been brought to a good life, it feels like you have so much problems when in reality you're the one who's really lucky. On the other side of that, those people brought up to witness horrible things only wishes for the reality to stop. When my life came crashing down, I only wanted to remain in my old perfect world. Things were normal then--there was no pain to feel but bits of cuts and bruises that goes away after a few hours.

What teenagers don't realize is that their life isn't as bad as they think, and if I had the chance to remain a kid forever I'd take it. It wasn't my choice to grow up early, life had decided that for me. Kids are lucky when they have someone to run to when they needed comforting, I didn't have that. It was the other way around.

It was a good thing that I've learned to become optimistic, nothing good will ever come if we dwell too much with our bad memories. That's why I try my best not to worry about things, it makes you feel old. I want to be as young as I can get, but not totally mental of course. Having fun isn't really such a bad thing even if you're world is falling apart. It helps heal the most painful wounds, all we have to do is let the pain go.

First Day Bore

Well, it's officially the beginning of the semester. I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. I was having so much fun not having to worry about waking up early or staying up late. I also loved not having to read books because I'm compelled to. Those were the good old days, if only my vacation could last a little longer I wouldn't be feeling this way.

Anyway, I just found out that I have 3 math subjects, and 2 of which had computer application. It doesn't make sense to me, and I do believe it never will. My future is dark enough and this had to happen. (x_x)

To make my life worse, I am forced to take a Filipino subject--which I have no problem failing. I could already imagine countless sleepless nights and studying hours. Ugh! Could it get any worse? Of course it can. I haven't actually met my professors yet. What a nightmare.

Made Something

I had some free time last semester and I decided to focus on crocheting. It's one of my hobbies. Anyway, I was messing around with some yarn and I wanted to make a headband. After getting half of it done I got a little lazy. So I turned it into a wristband instead. I got some extra buttons I've been wanting to use so I thought it would be perfect for this experiment. This is what I got.

 

I made other colors and my friends really liked it so I thought of selling them. So I made a few extra money with these. I'm thinking of selling them online but they kind of take a lot of time to make, so I'm thinking of just trying out new styles and selling them locally. It would be nice to sell them online though.

Come Away With Me

I see it. The world hidden in the deepest and darkest part of our mind. It screams a powerful cry, asking you to let it out. It calls you by your name. Won't you try not to look away?

I see it. The world hidden beneath what's real, inviting you to come in. I jump into the unknown, my mouth thirsting for adventure, and it finds me. Can you see it? Can you see beneath what's real?

My heart laughs as I dove in, eager to see more. I felt myself drowning deeper and deeper into what is only mine to see. How I wish for you to see it too. Won't you come away with me?

Would you like to see beneath what's real? Then set your worries free, and I will show you the depth of your dreams. I promise much delight, and you will want none but to stay.

Take my hand and come away, for we shall dive into the bright unknown. We shall seek what has once been lost in the darkest and deepest part of this hidden world.

Come away with me and let go.

I Do Believe In Fairies I Do I Do

I found an old DVD of the Peter Pan movie in my room last night. I was thinking that I needed a little doze of fairytale for the day so I watched it. The first time I saw the movie I thought: Peter Pan is cute (LOL). I think I was in high school that time. I haven't seen the movie after that, but I really loved it because of the boy who played Pan, Jeremy Sumpter.

Anyway, I was alone and bored. I watched the movie, studying it for some inspiration for my novel and I was like WOW. The story was really beautiful. I've never paid attention to it because I was too fixated on Jeremy. I still think he was cute in the movie and he played the role well. I also liked the girl who played Wendy, Rachel Hurd-Wood. She had a very lovely face.

Peter and Wendy's love story in the movie was remarkable. I actually felt heartbroken in the end. It was like Romeo and Juliet, except what kept them apart was their world and not their families. The romance was subtle but made an incredible impact on me.

I sort of wished it ended differently--that Wendy would choose to stay with Peter, but the fairytale didn't end that way. I guess the sad ending made it beautiful, but it got me hanging. I wanted to know what happens next and what Peter decided to do as Wendy continued to grow up.

I knew there were other movies that showed Peter ending up with Wendy's descendant but I think the Peter-Wendy tandem is much better. This movie made me see this fairytale in a new angle and I've considered it my favorite. I love it so much that I think it's better than Twilight.

I think I'll watch it again. I can't get enough of it. The only thing that I didn't like about it is that every time it'll end, it ends up breaking my heart.

First and Too Late

I didn't actually leave home for school at 3 AM. I left around 3:30. I got #1 on their lame numbering system. I'm still not happy about it. Lack of sleep makes me really cranky.

Anyway, it was dark and cold this morning so that pretty much added to my irritation, not to mention the long wait before they let us in. I'm wishing not to experience something like that, ever.

I can't really say that I'm happy being first. If it wasn't for this dumb system, I would've already encoded my schedule 2 days ago. What's more annoying is that one of the subjects I was hoping to take in advance was already closed. I can't stand their incompetency, this was their fault.

There's nothing I could do but to let out an exasperated sigh. It's not like I could really do anything about it. They're going to make me run in circles again just for nothing if I even tried. All I'm left with is this annoyance which might not fade until the first 2 weeks of school. What's the point of being first if it's too late. I wish karma would bite whoever implemented this system on the ass. They should experience the same thing. It's only fair.

System

I thought I was early when I went to school today to encode my class schedule. I was just about to enter the gate when I heard the security guard said that there were no numbers left to give out. It was only 8 A.M.

Just in case you're wondering, our school suddenly implemented this numbering system that only allows them to process about 800 students a day. Imagine how many college students are there, and we only had 5 weekdays before classes begin.

I hated this new system. A lot of students don't live as close and my fare money is limited. In addition to this burden was the storm-like weather we had to endure.

My school doesn't seem to care much for their students. Even during the storm Ondoy, they didn't even bother giving those who were stranded shuttle service to aid them from the flood. I consider this institution lazy, irresponsible, thoughtless, and unorganized.

This is not a hate note though. I just feel like I need to voice this out. They might have their reasons, but I doubt that it serves any of the students' interests. Now I'm left with no choice but to leave home around 3 A.M. and hope to be the first in line for their so called number system.

This morning I heard students talking about arriving to school at 5 A.M. Does the school even think about the danger their putting their students in with this new system? Who knows what kind of psychopath is out there waiting for an opportunity like this. I doubt the school would even take responsibility if anything bad happens. I'm guessing they'll only change the system when something goes BADLY WRONG. It'll be too late by then.

It's annoying when you see systems like these in my country. Even the government operates the same way. They implement faulty systems and doesn't seem to think things through before executing it. Then something goes horribly wrong and that's the only time they'll do something about it. They will publicize implementing a new and efficient system to show everyone what heroes they are and I'm left to say "Now you start thinking." when it's already too late and the damage they're preventing had already occur.

All in all, I'm not very happy with the way they're running things around here. Everyone wants change but fails to fight for it. One thing I'm sure about though is that we need smart selfless people who would put the public's well-being first than just let them deal with irritating faulty systems. Think people, think.

Issue Resolved

Yay! Got my computer fixed. Now the hard part is getting all my files. I got my novel stored up in my flash drive, but I'm not sure if I can continue as of the moment. I'm still bitter from the fact that I spent P350 for nothing. I could buy a box of pizza with that. What a shame. *sigh*

Not sure where to go from here. I need cash and I'm considering working in a call center again. It's a death wish I know but what are my other options? Jobs are so scarce here, even adults resulted to begging.

Anyway, I'm happy that my computer is fixed. I can start putting my life together again ( XD so dramatic).

Idle

My novel writing days have come to a halt as my computer remains unfixed. I have to keep track of my ideas so I wouldn't forget the main theme of the story. I'm wishing for things to look up after today, but the weather seems to imply a bad omen.

It wouldn't be bad if luck decided to smile back at me. I mean I'm already broke, but fate seems to want to squeeze out every single cent from me. I have a reason to believe that this novel shouldn't be written. It does hold too much secrets. But it will give people a new thought to think about. The definition of the thin line between fantasy and reality.

Anyway, I'm just writing to keep everyone updated with my novel. I just wish I don't feel as idle.

Tweet

I love twitter. It makes you feel like you're connecting with the rest of the world. For those of you who don't know what twitter is, it's actually a micro blogging website. You basically post brief shout outs and people who follow you will be able to see it. It's like the facebook wall, but here you don't need friend requests to follow someone.

It's a great place to gain different information like news and current events. I mostly follow celebrities to get an idea what their lives are like. It's amazing that they still have time to tweet with all that work they do. I'm currently following Oprah, The Ellen Show, Peter Facinelli (Carlisle Cullen), Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen), Adam Lambert, Josh Groban, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Barack Obama, and Billy Burke (Chief Charlie Swan). I'm also following a local celebrity Charice Pampengco.

Anyway, if you happen to drop by the site and decide to create an account, feel free to add me to your following list. Here's my twitter profile. aniahx

I will follow those who follow me. It's a very fun and addictive activity. You'll know what I mean once you start tweeting. ^_^ See you there.

Abused

There are many evil people in this world, as much as I hate to admit it. They take, giving you the impression that they're returning something back. It's a lie though. Opportunities are much welcomed by those who swims in greed. What's worse is that those people who tries to be honest becomes corrupted with the hatred they have created. They too will swim in greed, becoming selfish to protect themselves from this abusive world.

We try to see this world as a beautiful place, making most of what we can. But in reality it's ugly. An endless sea of masks covering the hideous lie beneath their thick skins. There's so much hatred in this world...But we refuse to see it.

Why do we hope? Is there anything good to hope for? Is there really such a thing as a bright and happy future? Or is this a lie we tell ourselves to make all the ugliness go away? This world is ugly and we know it. Even the beautiful things eventually turns ugly.

They will take, and take, and take, until there's nothing left. And they won't give anything back.

Unblocked

I finally managed to write chapter two, though when I looked back and read chapter one I sort of felt bored with it. It had too much unnecessary information. I'm thinking of probably cutting it down and insert bits and pieces of it in the story, but I think I would have to write all the chapters first before I do that. I would most likely add a different scene, but I couldn't figure out what yet.

I can't say I'm in the zone at the moment. I'm having real difficulty constructing scenes for chapter three. I will find a way to get by this problem once I regained enough energy. It's really late right now, though my mind works exceptionally well during these hours. They had a name for writers like me in storywrite.com. I believe it's night owl writers. I've already considered myself as a night owl even before I discovered that.

The ideas flow every now and then, and I have to be really careful not to get off my original plot. The whole purpose of writing this story will be pointless if I get sidetracked for even the slightest detail in the scene. It was a good thing that I had my friend from America read the chapters. He pointed out obvious errors that I needed to revise, though revising at this moment would be a bad idea. It will throw off my momentum. I just made notes of it so I won't forget. I should have just asked him from the beginning to save myself the trouble.

Managing writer's block is not easy, but it's possible to overcome. I'd like to think of it as mind over matter. I just disregarded what's keeping me from writing and just wrote until no ideas were left. Then I took bits and pieces out and tied the rest together. Clustering also helps, but I prefer daydreaming. So finally my writer's block has been unblocked.

Post Secret

Not As Easy Anymore

I've been having difficulty finding the will to write my novel. I'm guessing it's because I have so much free time now. I read a book on creative writing and a chapter that discusses writer's habits got my attention.

According to the book, writer's have different writing habits and they sometimes can't just write even if they feel like it. An example would be mine.

I realized that the pressure of lack of time helps me think clearer. I had classes during the day, and lots of piled up homework and notes that needed to be reviewed for pop quizzes. These things compel me to make use of my limited time to write. That's how I was able to write more than 8,000 words of the book.

It's just a start but it's a big leap for me. I can't remember the last time that I've even made it to 2,000 words. The whole idea just dies by the time I've written about 1,700 words.

So I'm thinking my two weeks vacation isn't really going to help me finish the first two chapters of my novel. But I've thought of a way to get by that. I need to keep myself busy, like finish that book on creative writing.

It might or might not help me, but it's the only thing that would keep my mind on the story. I need to think a lot to keep my brain creatively active.

So that's my plan. I just hope I can stick to it.

Safe

I kept looking over my shoulder, always thinking that someone might suddenly sneak up on me and take my stuff, or worse. I'm not as cautious during the day though. It's unlikely someone would sneak up on anyone with a number of audiences ready to point their fingers.

But this time it was different. The sun was gone and there isn't much light on the street. It takes less than ten minutes reach my house. I should be one of those smart people and get a ride home, but I didn't see the need for it. I wanted to walk home. It helps me think.

It wasn't the wisest decision though--not for someone as vulnerable as me. I could easily disappear on the street for a brief moment, if anyone dared to take me. But somehow I felt brave and strong, and like most stupid girls, I ignored the danger.

As I reached halfway home, the street grew quiet. Another glance over my shoulder and I caught sight of the pending danger approaching. There was a silhouette following behind me. He was three times bigger than I was, and was strong enough to suppress my cry if I decided to fight back.

My pace quickened, hoping to quickly reach the safety of the light from the church ahead. But I couldn't walk as fast. The ground was muddy and my vision could not see well in the dark. I was afraid I might fall into one of the holes that was supposed to cover the canals. But I made it.

I didn't bother looking back. I went through the shortcut by the church, until I reached the houses. Luckily people were still awake, pacing in front of their houses, enjoying the cool night air.

I slowed down, knowing that the danger was gone. I smiled thinking that it was probably nothing. I was just paranoid. There wasn't any real danger, but I was just being cautious.

When I reached my house. I let myself fall on the couch, letting out a deep sigh. I'm home now, and I'm safe.

Inescapable

I've dwelt into so many thoughts in my head, not really knowing what I'm searching for. An unknown question continues to linger as it drains everything from me, causing me endless longing for something I cannot attain from this world.

The dark path I'm heading seems safer than the easy one. The dark and difficult path is the right place to walk on to. The right way; the one that is not truly pleasing and beautiful. But the wrong path pleases your eyes like a shiny red fruit--luscious yet poisonous. It is very much...inviting. Nonetheless this beautiful path leads to death quicker.

This longing grows stronger by the day, and as each minute passes I feel myself slipping away--becoming more...empty. The hole in my chest grows wider, and it takes everything to fill in what's missing, but none would fit. Nothing will fill that hole--nothing in this world, that is.

The missing piece is known, but the search for it is endless. My last breath, if life has been lived righteously, shall open the gates to contentment. The endless happiness will welcome me with open arms. But as time is present and age is unavoidable, the long journey on the dark path will not cease on one soul.

The world will grow divided by the two paths. A destiny within my grasp depends on the choice that will show revelations of truth. Though tongues will be twisted by crooked beliefs, the choice will not change what is written for those who goes the wrong and beautiful way.

If one breathes his last breath it will not end life itself. The birth of a new eternity will reveal after the flesh closes its eyes for the last time. This is the fate written. An inescapable truth, and time does not stay in one soul for long. Age will not be forever. The endless battle for freedom to control one's breath will only bring one closer to death.

It's Promising

I needed to stop writing for a week. I have my finals coming up. I've got a lot of good feedback from the set of people I've sent my prologue to. They boosted up my confidence, although I knew it still needs polishing, and I need to do more research.

I'm also hoping that I could keep their minds interested in the story. The message I'm trying to present in it might not be easily accepted by the audience. I also fear that they may misunderstand it, and see things the other way around. I want to avoid that.

Overall, the novel's progress seems promising. But since I have college stuff and all, I don't have that much time to write it. I still have the first chapter brewing in my head, and I am confident that the outcome will be great. I love my characters, and I hope my audience will love them too.

Drowning In Words

After I read the whole Twilight series, I decided to write a novel. I'm trying to be brave about it. I've never given much thought on writing novels again. It requires too much work. But after a week of nothing but Twilight, my brain sort of malfunctioned.

After a night of having Bella's voice in my head, my mind decided to narrate everything I did. I couldn't control it. It was disturbing. I never thought that Twilight would have such a strong effect on me. So I decided since my brain won't stop describing everything my eyes land on, I would write a novel.

I actually had a few ideas that was rotting in my files for years. I wasn't brave enough to write them. English isn't my first language, and I have difficulty describing stuff. But after reading Twilight, Stephenie made me understood what was missing in my writing style. Passion.

I don't love the art enough, so I struggle with it. But after Stephenie reminded me the beauty of the written world, I fell in love it. I was able to appreciate it more, and I was thankful that I was given this gift to express my thoughts and ideas.

I love Stephenie Meyer's writing style. I wish I could personally thank her.

Aniah, Aniah, Aniah

My name doesn't stand out as much anymore. I feel like every time I google my name, the number of Aniah's on earth increases. This shouldn't really affect me, but I find it a bit irritating, because I'm used to being told that I have an interesting name--unique.

I went to the school library, and when the librarian saw my ID she said: "She has the same name as my baby girl." Then I thought she probably got the idea from my name. So far, I'm the only girl there with the name Aniah. Then I checked out friendster and facebook. Aniah's are everywhere.

I want to stand out somehow. I figured it helps that my name isn't so common--well not anymore. It sounds silly, but I feel like I've been robbed or something. It's not really identity theft, a lot of people have the same names, but I'm still disappointed.

I feel like I'm being a baby at the moment. I guess I just have to look at this at a different perspective. I just have to figure out what that perspective is. I mean, I surely don't want to hate every Aniah's out there, that would be really ridiculous and stupid. For now, I would just have to accept this change. I mean, it's not like it's a bad thing--as long as it doesn't become a hooker name--or any other name type that would stain it--then I'm okay with it for now.

Unexpected Twilight Fan

I should be studying right now. But I can't keep my mind focused. Every time I try to read from my textbook, the words seem to dissolve, and my mind would play from one thought to another. My thoughts had a specific subject though. It's about Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Saga.

Yes, I admit. I've become one of her victims, captivated and consumed by her vampire story. I shouldn't be open to the subject at all--about vampires I mean--but my curiosity emerged after I've finished reading Breaking Dawn. I'm not allowed to entertain such thoughts knowing the consequences they hold, but I couldn't help being mesmerized by the way the author painted the characters. They seem so real.

They are probably more real to Stephenie. But what amazes me about her
is her ability to make the rest of us believe it too. I never understood Bella in the movie. It was probably because I couldn't really see through her point of view. But when I read the first book I finally get her, and I felt myself feeling everything she felt almost as if I was her. Silly isn't it? But who wouldn't want to be in her place, knowing how Edward felt about her? Such love could only exist in a girl's fantasies--in a fairy tale she had dreamed from childhood. A prince, sweeping her off her feet, breathless. And even more, this prince, an immortal who is strong and overprotective, and unquestionably romantic--not to mention gorgeous-- is madly in love with his princess. The perfect man, who is unfortunately not human. A vampire, a myth. Such a perfect man could not exist in this world. But how lucky for Bella to have someone like him.

Stephenie's words in Twilight was as clear as a painting. I experienced a moment when I was only seeing scenes rather than words. It's an amazing experience. I wasn't surprised that I was instantly addicted. I love reading good books, but this was even better. I've never read such a clear description of everything. I didn't even need to use my imagination to fill in the details. It’s like she experienced the whole thing and just recorded every moment.

Then came the part when I finished the story. Every scene played in my head like I was watching a movie over and over. I was consumed by it's entirety--the story, the romance, the characters, the scenes--it was enough to keep me away from reality. I knew I wasn't contented by the ending, I wanted more from it--I wanted to know what happens next. Surely other readers weren't really satisfied with 'they lived happily ever after'. Bella and Edward have forever and I wish the story would continue to that--though I know that's unlikely.

To have forever. This thought played in my head, and I was suddenly envious. Who wouldn’t want forever with someone they loved? Better yet, who wouldn't want forever with someone like Edward? To be taken care of by someone so madly in love with you, knowing within yourself how too good he is for you, is simply a piece of heaven on earth. I've never seen how truly beautiful love is until I read this story. In my mind I couldn't help but wish to experience that kind of love too. But as humans we have our flaws, and such love stories only exists in our minds and in books.

Forever. I thought. How I wish time doesn’t exist. Twilight seemed to have made me hopeful, but I know better, yet I don't seem to listen to my own reasoning. The love I have for this story is unbelievably insane for me. I never wanted to entertain such unreal thoughts, but I knew from the moment I read the book that there was no way for me to turn back.

I usually find myself sighing, more deeply than necessary. I imagine myself being part of the story. Being part of Bella and Edward's world--not as Bella of course,as some girls might wish, but as a friend of theirs who's in on the adventure. I sometimes catch myself smiling foolishly at these thoughts. It reminded me how unhealthy for my mind to welcome such fantasies, but I felt happy in them, almost content--if only they were real.

I'm a little anxious though. I'm not really sure how this will go for me--to what extent this will affect me. I can't really say that I'm relieved to know that I'm not the only one who wishes to exist in this fictional world, but for now this seems safe. I don't think I'm crossing any lines--I don't think I'm insane yet. So maybe it's okay, to let Twilight get to me. Maybe it's okay to dream of such characters. But that's only a maybe. I guess controlling my thoughts is entirely up to me. Wish me luck with that.

Not Good

I've worked on a digital painting yesterday. I was fairly satisfied with my work but when I went and took a second look at it, I was very disappointed. I like to believe that I'm good but somehow I'm having problems convincing myself, because inside I know I'm still not good enough.

I usually compare myself to professional artists--which is stupid because it doesn't really help with my self-esteem. But every time I look at their work, I see mine as trashy and ugly. I feel like a kid comparing her school art project with a well-known artist. And still in my head, a voice whispers saying: 'I can make something like that. I can make something great too.'

I know I need practice but I don't feel like I do. What I need are the right tools. But then again, how can I call myself great if I can't make a wonderful art with what I have?

I still wonder what I need to be as good as they are. Say that I'm too proud, I don't really care. I know I'm good, I just don't know how to be good. Perhaps what I lack most is knowledge of the art. You can't really fight with a sword without knowing how to swing it. If only time will allow me do what's needed for me to succeed, but apparently The Almighty has other plans for me. I can't really fight it, no matter how much I want to go the other way--which is what I want for myself. But hence, His will be done.

Taking My Own Medicine

As you might have noticed some of my previous posts were created in a day. I transferred all my blogs from friendster since no one reads them there anyway. I downloaded pictures just to make them look more presentable. I swear I will replace them with my own when I have the time.

Anyway, I just realized that I have this tendency of not taking my own advice. I've read my posts as if they're not my own. It's like I didn't write them. As my eyes go through each line with disbelief, I've discovered that I've lost so much of my confidence that I didn't see that I was capable of thinking such thoughts. I've been wondering what I need to do with my life and my answer was in cyberspace all along.

I've always been able to give good advice and only God knows where they're coming from. I admit, I didn't come up with all my advices at all, but the words just flow out like they're just hiding in my head, and comes out when I need them. I find it weird and scary. Some of people say it's a gift, a gift I wish would benefit me too.

It's always easier to see the bigger picture when it's not my problem I'm dealing with. I've experienced this first hand with my mother and some of my friends. But when it's my turn to deal with my own troubles, everything seems so cloudy and gray. Taking my own medicine would seem like a good idea, but when emotion sets in, the mere thought seems ridiculous.

I somehow feel like my way of thinking is different from the people around me. I already know that I live in my own world but there's more to that. I tend to see the other side of things that people don't look at. But I don't mean that I'm above anyone, it's the exact opposite actually, because I'm extremely stubborn. I know that for a fact. I'm not saying I'm proud of it, what I'm saying is that I'm so stubborn that it has become dangerous for me. I've set my mind to isolate myself from the rest of the world. A defense-mechanism perhaps. Once I want something, I hang on to the thought of getting it. I don't let go--even if it means destroying myself. People who know me well enough would think I'm strange and stupid. They're probably right. I too find myself quite strange and stupid.

I already know the answer to my problems, yet I don't apply them. A part of me wants to prove myself wrong. A part that believes that there's another answer. I don't want to end up with just one right choice in my life. I don't want to believe that I have no choice but to take it. It's not that I don't take my own medicine, I just don't want it. I already know the answer before the problem even got to me. It would be like slapping myself in the face if I take my own advice. Even if it is the wisest decision to make, going the other way might bring something better. Besides, I think a bit of drama in life is healthy.

Another Day of Nothing, Another Night of Dreams

I've realized that as the days passed by I don't feel like I'm amounting into anything. Even if I'm studying my butt off, it seems like I'm not going anywhere, and I don't see myself heading for something great. I feel so idle, like I'm rotting as the world continues to rotate around our beloved sun.

Who would have thought that studying can make me feel so stagnant. I'm very much used to creating art. I love to write as you might have already noticed. I also love to draw as a lot of my friends know. Dealing with numbers everyday keeps me away from doing these things, and I feel like I'm trapped in some dimension I've created because of making the wrong choice with my course.

I don't want to back out, because I know that this is a big accomplishment for me if I graduate. But at the back of my head is a voice nagging me to quit and just do what I love. I feel completely empty as my major slowly sucks the life out of me. It takes up all my time even when I don't have classes for the day, the only thing I can think about is study.

I feel guilty whenever I indulge myself in art. It makes me think that I'm committing a crime because I'm neglecting my studies. But if I don't draw or write, I'm going to go mad. It's a necessity for me. These are my only outlet to release stress. But as of now, every time I try to relax, I don't enjoy my time anymore. What lingers in my brain is that voice saying I have no more time to relax, there's something I need to do, something important and this is wasting my time.

How can someone deal with that? My mind is telling me that I'm wasting my time doing the things I love in exchange for doing something I hate. I used to love my course, back when it was still...well...easy. Now, it has become a nightmare that haunts me even when I'm awake.

I need a few days off to find myself. I can't let this frustration cloud my mind. It's not healthy for anyone to hold back their dreams. My passion cannot be mine until I resolve my issue with what I really want to do. Will my parents understand and at to what extent? Is it too late to change my mind? And if I can, will I regret it?

Time sucks that way. You have no choice but to wait for that moment to come to see the result of your choice. For now, I shall ponder on these thoughts and hopefully resolve it as early as I can. Time is what I'm up against at the moment, I just hope I have enough left.

I'm Caffeinated

I haven't slept at all since yesterday, and I'm still buzzing with all that caffeine I took. It might have already mixed with my blood. I don't see that as a bad thing. I feel so energetic, like I'm incapable of feeling exhaustion.

Okay, so let's see what's in my brain right now. I just took my preliminary exam on my major and I don't think I did so good. My mind is partially empty at the moment due to excessive outflow of information, and I feel like I'm on crack.

I'm like BLAH!

I just want to unwind a bit. I might have short circuited my brain during the exam. I'm incapable of arranging and producing thoughts logically. I feel like I should write something significant but I'm just not in the mood. Besides, I'm hungry. I don't think well when I'm hungry. I'm a bit pissed as well 'coz forgot to bring lunch money. Argh!

I'm becoming so forgetful. I can't even let my mind rest with all these homework piled up. I don't have the luxury of getting a day off. It sucks. Good thing caffeine helps me cheer up. I wonder how long it will take before I pass out? It's bound to wear off any time.

*Yawn* I think it's starting to wear off now.

Oh well, at least it was a fun trip.

Fitting Squares into Circles

I feel like I somehow made a big mistake in choosing what I want to do with my life. I feel like ice in hot water, melting quickly--diminishing instead of being contributory. It's like fitting a square into a circle. I know they are not the same shape and they don't belong together, and yet I still try to fit one figure into the other.

I figured my choice would be very useful to me. A wise decision as some might say, but it's not really what I want. I know it inside but I still chose it. It was like I had two roads in front of me. On the first one, I see my dreams, and on the second one, I see sure success. Was it reasonable to choose success at the price of my dreams? I don't want to end up like those people who are unfulfilled because they never had a chance to do what they wanted in life.

If somehow I won't be able to go both paths, how will this affect me? According to my Business Psychology class, the repressed desires I have are stored in the unconscious level of my mind. I don't think it's good for me to have those there or anywhere in my brain at all. I feel like I'm always deprived and I just write to compensate for it, but it's not enough.

I've seen a lot of success stories on TV, and read some on the Internet as well. Those people worked hard, and I mean really hard to reach their success. In the process they also sacrificed a lot. I wonder if I can do what they did. Can I handle the pressure? I'm not very good with restrictions but I'm willing to break that so I can take that other road as well.

How long will it take? Everyday I feel like I'm running out of time, and I feel like I need to fast forward everything. I want to taste the success of fulfilling my dreams as soon as I can. Is it wrong to rush? I don't want to be old and wrinkly before I get there.

The only way I see this working is if I use the path I chose now as a stepping stone. Is it possible? Will I make it? I wish I knew. Hopefully I'll be able to decide soon. Time is running out and money is being wasted. I need to figure out what to do, and hopefully this time my choice would be the right one.

Less Emotion Is Good For The Brain

I realized that I was being completely emotional in my previous posts, that it sort of made me think that my emotions are damaging my brain. I forgot that my life used to be good when I don't think much about stuff I shouldn't really think about. It's like when a friend of yours tells you his hand stinks and you sniff it anyway just to make sure that it does. I know I need money and still I spend on useless junk. Foresee the obvious. Dodge obstacles whenever you can and enjoy life.

Of course, there are limits to enjoyment. Too much fun can make you feel like a bum. Productivity and pleasure must always be balanced, and there are ways to have both happen at the same time. Example: Blogging.

So what do we do when we have a problem? First of all, we shouldn't let it drag us down. We already know it's a problem why waste our time worrying? Second, think positively. Don't think of ways of solving your problems with the thought of hopelessness lingering at the back of your mind. Remember, we are avoiding being dragged down, because it will never help us. Third, Don't just rely on thinking. If you have thought of a plan and you've analyzed its chances of effectiviteness, go and execute it. Thinking alone cannot solve anything. And lastly, be brave. Problems that requires tough decisions are not easy to overcome. You must have courage in facing them. Avoid self-pity, it will make you feel worse about your situation and yourself.

As I've said life isn't without struggles. Overcoming problems may be easier said than done, but once you've prevailed all the hardships are worth it. Stop thinking too much about little things and stop being so emotional all the time, it's not good for the brain. You won't be able to think right, and you might regret its effects one day and you'll end up suffering more than you expect.

Me Against the World

I have a lot on my mind lately. I think I'm losing my ability to think like an individual. Everyday is a struggle, as I slowly feel myself becoming like every one else. I've morphed into someone I hardly recognize.

I always see myself as a happy person, and I don't care much about things. But lately everything is so darn serious. I feel the weight of the world against me, and it's forcing me to think about things that don't usually cross my mind. It might not be a big deal to some people, and I agree, but whenever I think about it I feel like a have this huge problem.

I think it's safe to say it's not puberty, I'm done with that a long time ago. I'd like to believe that it's a phase that everyone has to go through at a certain point of their life. But what bothers me is that I'm too young to be worrying about anything at all. I blame poverty.

Yes, I'm thinking about money. I have no dream of becoming rich, it requires too much hard work. But as of now, it's been bothering me. Dreams are not really free after all.

I'm also thinking about death. Lately, everyone seems to be dying. It's heavy to take in, real heavy. I'm talking about those famous people that had passed away this year, and of course my pets. I'm not really good at keeping my pets alive. Maybe it's just bad luck on my part.

I have this burden that's easy to get rid off but sticks to you like a leech. I feel like I'm aging faster because of it. I'm stressed and depressed. I have my needs fulfilled but not my wants. I'm thinking that these repressed desires will bite me on the ass one day and I'd just lose my mind completely.

Well as they say tomorrow's another day, and life goes on. I hate these cliches. They seem limiting, like we have no choice. But it's true, as much as I hate to admit. These burdens will pass, it's just a matter of how long I can hold on. But right now all I can do is to be brave. Life isn't without struggles. This is just one of them. There will be more to come.

My Life is a Coincidence

Ever went some place and wish that you won't bump in to someone you're avoiding but then it happens anyway? That happened to me today. I went to my old school and I came across with that guy.

Even before I went out of the house, I was already praying that I won't see him. I'm too scared of what I will feel if I see him again. As I rode the tricycle, I was still thinking and praying. I calculated the odds of me and him meeting. The chances are low. I used to think those things really don't happen for real. But I was always bad in math.

When I saw him, I had mixed feelings of relief and disappointment. I was relieved because I get to see him after all these years. I was disappointed because I haven't forgotten everything.

I can't even remember how long I've been struggling with these feelings. It started in high school. I thought it would go away after college. I was in Makati then. It went away but only for a while. In the end I still wondered what if. Then we ended up going to the same college. I got hurt, so I tried forgetting. I was with someone, then another, then it was over.

I looked back thinking if all those things I did was for him all along. I tried turning my attention to someone else so rejection wouldn't be as painful. It backfired all at once. I couldn't bear to face anyone after that, especially him. So I left with the pain.

There was no other choice for me but to move on, and I did eventually. I thought that would be the end of a very sad story, until I started dreaming about him, over and over, night after night. I prayed that God would give me the reason why, but it doesn't work that way. It got too much that I prayed for it to stop. Whatever it means, I'm guessing I still haven't figured it out, coz I'm still dreaming every night, over and over.

The dream was becoming a regular thing. I won't ever forget him, will I? I kept convincing myself that there's nothing there. It was a mere coincidence that we met again. It was no big deal. But no matter how much I try to convince myself, I know what I really feel. I'm just in denial.

He seems happy. I should just leave him alone. I don't even want to know how happy he is because I might not be able to take it. I just want to remember him as a friend. A very special friend.

I never really hated him. I could never allow myself to. He's a nice person, he didn't truly hurt me intentionally, and I wish I could thank him without sounding too mushy.

What made me happy was he actually spoke to me. He asked me if I'm coming back. I told him no. I'm transferring to another school. I still can't believe he spoke to me, he did change a bit. I was actually expecting that he'd just give me a nod when I said hi.

I'm looking for closure. I need to let him go. It's been years, and maybe I am beginning to learn to let go. Somehow, I don't feel so upset anymore. But the thing is I have another predicament I'm trying to deal with.

When I got home, my brother told me that he's not taking a two-year course anymore, which changes the situation for me. I called up my dad and he told me that he wants me to continue studying in Letran. Isn't it nuts?

The reason why I wanted to transfer was to let go of the painful memories that lingers there. Also, I want to take digital arts. But that has more years than what I have left in Letran. I'm not sure on what to decide.

I'm scared. The universe is teaching me to face my fears.

I let my emotions get the best of me then, what about now?

And the last thing I'm wondering is that, if I didn't get drunk during the ORG swimming would things be different for me now? I doubt it though. This is how things are supposed to happen. I didn't choose to meet him again, he didn't choose it either. We don't have control over it.

We're both happy anyways, so I suppose nothing could go wrong. Those dreams were probably subconscious mumbo-jumbo. I have a BF and he has a GF, everybody lives happily ever after. And that's the end of that.

The Song in my Brain

This morning I woke up from a dream. It's that guy again. I've been dreaming about him for the past few months, and it's driving me nuts. I don't really want to remember him everyday. I don't really care about him anymore--not after those countless times he ignored me. I knew I liked him for 2 years before but I wish my brain would quit remembering him. Is there a pill I can take to erase my memory?

Anyway, I don't remember much of those dreams, only the fact that they were getting on my nerves. There was a time when I dream about him every night. I wonder what my subconscious is telling me? I seriously don't have any feelings for him anymore.

After I read my diary, I laughed at how ridiculous I was obsessing over a guy who's not even attractive. But I have to admit he has nice shoulders. Maybe the shoulders did it.

The reason why I'm telling all this is because, when I was in high school (back when I was crushing on him) I wrote this song. It had nothing to do with him, it was more like some happy emo crap, if there's such a thing. Anyway I really like that song.

This morning I woke up from a dream of him and I remembered the song. I remember sending the whole lyrics to him via text message. I know it sounds nuts, but high school students are supposed to be dumb when it comes to these sorts of things.

I tried recalling the lyrics, thinking that I might have wrote it in my old Garfield notebook--which I might have thrown away ( I hope not). I'm sort of wishing, although there's a slim chance, that he could've wrote the lyrics I sent to him. But that's like dreaming I have wings and can fly, it'll never happen in real life.

But if there's a chance he did, there's no way for me to contact him. I don't think he even remembers me. The song's title is Destiny's Arms. It's about wishing to see the future so mistakes can be avoided. It's Evanescence -inspired.

I need to complete the lyrics so I can create the music. I want to use it in this animation I'm planning to create once I get my computer fixed. I remember most of the song except for the rest of the second verse. I only remember its first line. After that, it's all lalalalalala, and a lot of humming.

That song might help me financially, who knows. I just wish I keep my stuff in a file, but then again my computer crashes all the time so that might not help.

*Sigh*

What's a girl to do in this situation? I need that second verse bad. Once I complete it, I can have some friends help me with it, and maybe I can sell it for a few G's or use it myself for talent showcase.

My friends, if you guys remember me singing it and you remember the second verse, please send it to me right away. I might pay you...after I get called for my job interview.

Well, that's it. I'm gonna post the song once I complete it. Wish me luck ^_^.

When Not to Look Back

Regret. It exists in everyone because of wrong and also right choices. Every night I have problems sleeping, because I usually think a lot. My mind drifts off on different planes of thoughts, be it reality or illusions. My mind is an imaginary story book of things that happened and things I want to happen to me or to someone else. But usually when I think, I find it harder to sleep. Although I resist the urge to open closed books, some of its unfinished chapters keep popping out--sometimes unexpectedly. I then find myself "strolling down memory lane".

I've always wondered about the "what ifs" of my life. What if I made the other choice was mostly my question. Although, the answer is still kept in the shadows, I can't help wonder if things would be better if I did. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with the way my life is going for me, but those "what ifs"...well, I can't help but to think about them.

Closure is something I am used to run away from. When things get too edgy to even sink in, the only way for me to save myself is to forget. But you never really forget. Good things are easier to forget than the bad things. The bad things usually leave you wounded, and wounds leave scars, and intangible scars cannot be removed by anything.

How do you deal with the "what ifs" in life? My conclusion is you don't. I've always loved that line from the Big Yellow Taxi song:

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone?

I try to keep that in mind to push the "what ifs" back into the dark where they should remain. When not to look back is the same as saying don't regret. The "what ifs" make regret emerge from that hollow pit in your heart. That missing hole, is where those regrets are thrown--in my opinion at least.

My life had never been glamorous. It is a pool of drama, and to think I never watched telenovelas in the past. I've learned to love that ugly past, it made me see how beautiful its ugliness was. Life is never fair, we never get what we want most of the time, and what we want is never really what we need. So all in all, I'd still like to believe that I've chosen the right path. I am happy--drama included. ;-)

When not to look back is when you turn your back on your should have, would have, and could haves. We made the choice, we have to own up to it. If it's wrong doesn't mean we can't make it right. It might not be what we want to happen but that's just how life is. We have limited control over it. But life would be dull if we get everything our way. Everything has an end, be it sadness or happiness, it's just a continuous cycle that ends when it's time to end. It might not be easy to accept, but eventually it will be. It's a sad thought for me though, but being human, better always seems better but there will always be better than better, and our curious hunger for satisfaction will make us think if we made the right choices. Just don't look back when you don't have to.

Write Away

I love to write, but I don't really know what to write about. My brain is a tangled web of ideas that don't really quite add up. Is creativity really that spontaneous and unorganized?

I've been reading a lot of books on writing, and most of them have some method or system in organizing thoughts to become an effective writer. After reading those methods I suddenly feel so restricted, that the mere thought of formulating a story freezes me up like a statue, leaving me with an empty mind and a blank screen.

Those books turned out to be really discouraging. I was overwhelmed with what they're saying. So I came to the conclusion that maybe I should just give writing a bit of a rest--if that's possible.

I'm sure there's a book out there that might actually help me get over these obstacles in writing. But for now, I might be done with it.